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Forum / Witze- und Rätselecke
Englisch
_-matze-_  - 30
Halbprofi
(offline)
Dabei seit 06.2007
157
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 28.07.2007 um 10:46 Uhr
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Nintendo - 36
Experte
(offline)
Dabei seit 01.2006
1402
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 28.07.2007 um 13:58 Uhr
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die Gay rules sind der Hammer  
Meine Gedanken jagen sich in der gleichen Sinnlosigkeit wie ein Hund sein Schwanz!
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Alyama  - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 29.07.2007 um 23:00 Uhr
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Zwischen "Gay" und "Guy" ist ja doch noch ein Unterschied
Also, hier mal mehr Beteiligung...kann ja nich sein das keiner lustige englische Texte hat, oder?
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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jules343 - 31
Champion
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2006
2466
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:12 Uhr
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Zitat von Alyama: Zwischen "Gay" und "Guy" ist ja doch noch ein Unterschied
Also, hier mal mehr Beteiligung...kann ja nich sein das keiner lustige englische Texte hat, oder?
ich hab luschdige denglische (=englisch + deutsch) texte
http://www.pown.it/15?r=745240
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:32 Uhr
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Her damit!
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:34 Uhr
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Here are a few things to think about:
Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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jules343 - 31
Champion
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2006
2466
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:37 Uhr
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okaiii...^^
kommt glei...
http://www.pown.it/15?r=745240
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:39 Uhr
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad... I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex..... and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the golf club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... "
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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jules343 - 31
Champion
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2006
2466
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:53 Uhr
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CHRISTMAS IS IM EIMER!
When the snow falls wunderbar
and the children happy are
when the Glatteis on the street
and we all a Glühwein need,
the you know, es ist soweit:
She is here, the Weihnachtszeit.
Every Parkhaus ist besetzt,
weil die people fahren jetzt,
all to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt,
shopping hirnverbrannte things
and the Christmasglocke rings.
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
hear the music, see the lights,
frohe Weihnacht, frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...
Mother in the kitchen bakes
Schoko-, Nuss- und Mandelkeks,
Daddy in the Nebenraum
schmücks a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum.
He is hanging auf the balls,
then he from the Leiter falls...
Finally the Kinderlein,
to the Zimmer kommen rein
and es sings the family
schauerlich: "Oh, Christmastree!"
And the jeder in the house
is packing die Geschenke aus.
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
hear the music, see the lights,
frohe Weihnacht, frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...
Mama finds unter the Tanne
eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
everybody does frohlocken.
President speaks in TV,
all around is Harmonie,
Bis mother in the kitchen runs,
im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.
And so comes die Feuerwehr
with Tatü, tata daher
and they bring a long, long Schlauch,
and a long, long Leiter auch
and they schrei - "Wasser marsch!",
Christmas is - now im - ...Eimer.
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
hear the music, see the lights,
frohe Weihnacht, frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...
http://www.pown.it/15?r=745240
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jules343 - 31
Champion
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2006
2466
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 10:53 Uhr
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hehe
http://www.pown.it/15?r=745240
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 11:00 Uhr
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meeeeeeehr! 
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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jules343 - 31
Champion
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2006
2466
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 30.07.2007 um 11:07 Uhr
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hab nix!^^
noch nicht...
http://www.pown.it/15?r=745240
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 31.07.2007 um 14:01 Uhr
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A ventriloquist visiting west cork walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kerryman: "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 02.08.2007 um 10:29 Uhr
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car........
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 04.09.2007 um 16:46 Uhr
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter lovie, as long as it fits on a Camel."
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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