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Alyama  - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
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Geschrieben am: 18.07.2007 um 12:19 Uhr
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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did this several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wonder if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.......
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 18.07.2007 um 12:19 Uhr
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Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15:
Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23:
When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10:
While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6:
In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
13. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO, It's those voices again."
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 18.07.2007 um 12:21 Uhr
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Funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'; this $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 18.07.2007 um 12:23 Uhr
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The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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bagheera - 39
Profi
(offline)
Dabei seit 10.2005
516
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 18.07.2007 um 19:51 Uhr
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more!!!!!
Die Welt ist immer nur in dem Maße kompliziert wie man in der Lage ist, sie zu begreifen.
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LastOrder  - 41
Experte
(offline)
Dabei seit 06.2006
1294
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 12:57 Uhr
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ich will auch mehr! ^^
Tá mo bhríste trí thine!!!
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 13:35 Uhr
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 13:36 Uhr
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 13:36 Uhr
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 13:40 Uhr
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
******************************************************************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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J_himself
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 05.2007
80
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 14:29 Uhr
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lol 
Yippie yippie yeah! Yippie yeah! Krawall und Remmidemmi!
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Nazo - 42
Profi
(offline)
Dabei seit 02.2006
569
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 19.07.2007 um 21:51 Uhr
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kann mir jemand Briar Patch übersetzen ?????
Hab ich aus nem Song...
The briar patch
no don't throw me in the briar patch
you can cut off all my toes, but not the briar patch
you can fill me full of holes, but not the briar patch
Dont throw me in the briar patch
Dont throw me in the briar patch
Please don't put me in the briar patch
You can season and cook me, but not the briar patch
for me, no one would ever look off in the briar patch
Dont throw me in the briar patch
Sky's The Limit
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 20.07.2007 um 10:30 Uhr
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Briar patch=Dornengestrüpp, Dornenhecke 
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Alyama - 39
Fortgeschrittener
(offline)
Dabei seit 07.2006
62
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 20.07.2007 um 11:23 Uhr
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...From the mouth of children...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT??? the teacher exclaimed in surprise. You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... Da-ad... What?
I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?
No, you had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later:
Da-aaaad...
WHAT?
I'm really THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad...
WHAT!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him:
How do you expect to get into Heaven?
The boy thoug ht it over and said, Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read:
.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class: And what do y ou think that farmer said? One little girl raised her hand and said: I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Why do you tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon.
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Fory0u - 37
Halbprofi
(offline)
Dabei seit 04.2005
294
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 20.07.2007 um 13:29 Uhr
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A man finds a ladder that leads straight into the sky. Since hes got nothing better to do he just climbs it. After about half a mile he see a fat naked women, sitting on a cloud. He stopps and she says: "Hi. Screw (das ist, fuer die dies nich wissen, ein wort fuer "ficken" obwohl es schrauben heisst. Wie auf Deutsch Nageln oder Buersten.) me, or climb the ladder to success." He thinks: "What do I have to loose?" And climbs on. After another half a mile he sees a rather average looking naked woman who also says: "Hi. Screw me, or climb the ladder to success." He thinks: "Mhh, from the first to the second, that was already an improvement. So, WTF, Ill go on." On the next cloud, half a mile later, an absolute stunner awaits him. She is the most gorgeous women hes ever seen, with perfect titts and everything hes ever dreamed of. She says the words he is desperately wishing for: "Screw me, or climb the ladder to success." This time hes really struggeling. He thinks: "Damn, shes so hot. But so far, it only got better and better. Ill go on. On the next cloud will be a whole harem of those awaiting me." So he continoues his climb. After another half a mile he comes to the last cloud. On it, a fat, bold, drunk man is sitting. Bees are buzzing all around his head. He burbs and farts and than he says: "Hi, Im Cess."
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Freaq - 33
Profi
(offline)
Dabei seit 09.2005
716
Beiträge
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Geschrieben am: 22.07.2007 um 11:42 Uhr
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Zitat von Alyama: ...From the mouth of children...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT??? the teacher exclaimed in surprise. You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... Da-ad... What?
I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?
No, you had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later:
Da-aaaad...
WHAT?
I'm really THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad...
WHAT!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him:
How do you expect to get into Heaven?
The boy thoug ht it over and said, Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read:
.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class: And what do y ou think that farmer said? One little girl raised her hand and said: I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Die sind mal mehr als genial
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